Splank Club!

November 20, 2011
By genbeeb

First rule of Splank Club is you do not talk about Splank Club!  Actually, no. The rules for Splank club are: “No bitin’. No kickin’. Just splankin’.”  Thank goodness there are no rules regarding talking about Splank Club or this article would be thrown in the trash along with the beaten dead bodies.

Our resident mad genuis, Xev, hosts a truly controversial club in her own backyard. It’s a cool 1,000C fee to get in the door. Once inside you can witness the massacre of Splank Club and even get in the ring and whack away at another Glitch.

The origins of Splank Club are mysterious. It’s been spectulated that Xev purchased low level Glitchen as slaves and forced them to splank each other to death in the recesses of her home. This theory was duly noted in the forums by Boom and Bust who posted: “Xev: ‘Wait, who was the person who was here asking for money? I’m rich and batshit crazy. I think they call the rich eccentric under these condition. I want to buy a person. Where are you!’ Shortly thereafter, the Splank Club was created!”  To get an in-depth view of what happens at these unscrupulous meetings I decided to attend and possibly even fight.

I arrived at Xev’s daunting 50k Alakol home on 1422 Ojan Repine. After shelling out the 1,000C I wandered into the garden area. A pen that is normally host to piggies and chickens would be host to something much more bloody tonight. Planks are stacked in a pile waiting; vendors are selling their food and beverages. I watched with the crowd of spectators as two Glitches splanked the be-jeebies out of each other. One would think that the immediate reaction to this gruesome sight would be horror, fear, even disgust. I, however, felt an adrenaline rush and watched eagerly as each plank landed their deadly blows. The scene draws you in and elicits barbaric desires. Once the first fight ended I donned my plank and headed into the ring. My opponent would be Maebe. Perhaps it was my lack of experience or the numerous slow gin fizzes I consumed before the fight, either way I lost to the hard splanking of Maebe’s wood.

When I returned from Hell One I did not expect to receive a warm welcome being the losing side, but Maebe greeted me with some awesome stew and a “Good fight!” I even received a 500C compensation just for participating. With bruised and bloody fingers I happily accepted my winnings (or would it be losings in this case?) and smiled. It wasn’t the stew or the booze or the money that made smile. It was the pure, cathartic release of splanking.

Splank Club has become even more popular since that fight and is in the process of expanding. You can now purchase TP scripts or “tickets” (notes) to the fight through the auction house. Future fights will be held in various locations that will only be known to members of Splank Club, through word of mouth, or purchasers of TP scripts and tickets. A betting system is in the works complete with shady bookies. It’s an exciting time for fans of extreme violence!

For more pictures of Splank Club visit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cutething/?saved=1

To purchase TP scripts and tickets visit: http://www.glitch.com/auctions/PHVEUBPLLQA26MA/

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