Bacon and Eggs: A Love Story

October 21, 2012

By FyodorD

[For mature audiences only.  If your sensibilities regarding pigs and chickens are easily offended... you've been warned.]

As the ImaginatUr celebrates its one-year anniversary, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the tragic yet beautiful love story of Ur’s favorite porcine porn star, Big Papa Chunk, and his poultry princess of pornography, Henrietta Hot Thighs. Chunk has been a long-standing member of the not-so-upper-class society of Ur and his work is certainly respected if not quite publicly applauded. Who could forget the classic hardcore/action/drama/comedy The BaconatUr, the heartbreaking tearjerker Pot Bellied Porkin’ or even Chunk’s more recent forays into fellatious filmography like Ham Slam IV? Chunk’s life and career began their uncontrollable spiral when, right before shooting began late last year, he accepted the lead in the inter-species breakthrough film Hamhock in the Henhouse, where he first laid eyes (among other things) on Henrietta Hot Thighs herself.

 

 

Chunk and Henrietta were immediately inseparable, from the beginning of the first take til long after shooting ended. While many of his detractors were convinced that Chunk’s career was built entirely upon the fact that he looked exactly like Ron Jeremy, he still received accolades from all over Ur and was generally applauded as an industry trendsetter. Henrietta had of course been a long-time fangirl of Chunk’s–like everyone in Ur’s adult entertainment industry–and was far too star-struck to see anything resembling the truth about Chunk’s character. Chunk was fond of Henrietta in his own way, mostly her breasts and thighs, but he also found the rest of her acceptable. Softened by Henrietta’s absolute adoration, he was eventually convinced to be married at her family chapel by the creepy Reverend Roost.

 

 

The first couple of months of their marriage passed in relative happiness, but there were certain signs of impending trouble that Henrietta let slide. When she brought up the subject of Chunk’s tendency for alcohol-induced abuse, he laughed it off as his attempt to keep his new bride ‘tender’. But even through the rough spots, life went on.

Despite assurances that it was medically impossible, three months into their marriage, Henrietta became pregnant. Alas, the delicate yolk soon succumbed to Bad Egg’s Disease. Initially elated when she became pregnant again soon thereafter, Henrietta’s joy was short-lived. Chunk wouldn’t risk anything coming between him and his skyrocketing career and eventually convinced Henrietta to have the situation ‘taken care of’ at The Last Eggsit Omelet House.

 

In time, the poaching and scrambling nightmares finally subsided and Henrietta quietly endured. Shortly thereafter, Chunk began fighting the first of many illnesses that would eventually lead to the end of his career. First was his wicked case of the clop, followed immediately thereafter by a rear flank infection, porkititis and a near-fatal, two-week-long case of raging hamroids.

 

During the first week of his hospitalization, Chunk’s hamroids were in such a state that he was producing two orders of chitlins per day. The doctors feared that he didn’t have the guts to survive. Chunk eventually recovered and was released but spent the next few weeks in a constant state of misery. Given the speed of the adult entertainment industry in Ur, a few months of downtime were enough to end Chunk’s acting career for good. Running out of money, with no prospects, and living with near-daily unbearable pain, Chunk turned to the red light districts of Ur, descending even further down his destructive spiral.

Henrietta was becoming convinced that Chunk, among all his other shortcomings, was also unfaithful. Certainly, infidelity among adult stars is a tricky thing to pin down, but the generally accepted industry standard is that more than six occurrences in one week while not on the payroll is officially considered cheating. As always, Henrietta continued in silence, still trying to hang on to her image of the Chunk that she first loved.

More broke than ever and unable to find any sort of gainful employment, Chunk made the final decision that ensured he would never regain the stardom he had once enjoyed: He accepted a job at Punchie’s Pork Palace–an abbatoir with a particular penchant for pork.

 

The entire piggy community of Ur was outraged. The most vocal advocates against swine-on-swine violence were calling for Chunk to be convicted of First Degree Hamicide. Unfortunately for them, the laws against murder in Ur clearly state that it’s only illegal when the victim is not “tasty and delicious.”

At some point among the chaos, Henrietta managed to finally conceive and hatch their first child. Chunk was furious that she’d managed to do such a thing without his explicit permission and was insistent that the child could not possibly be his. Remarking upon the newborn’s suspicious resemblance to one Reverend Roost, he demanded that they visit the venerable house of science for all things paternity-related in Ur: The Whory Porbitch Show.

 

Despite the test results, Chunk could not be convinced of the child’s legitimacy and treated Henrietta with even greater contempt than before. Broke, broken and hopeless, the couple agreed to make one last attempt to save their marriage, which had once held so much promise. While Henrietta respected Doctor Fred more than anyone she’d ever known, it only took one visit for Chunk to begin referring to the good doctor as the ‘mustachioed mongoloid’. After hours of listening to the deranged doctor babble incoherently, they abandoned the counseling entirely. Chunk’s drug addiction continued, his health problems resurfaced and his harsh treatment of Henrietta escalated.

 

I would love to say that the couple repaired their broken lives and managed to somehow live happily ever after, but not quite. Well, one of them did. Henrietta went on to lead a long and happy life, taking great joy in watching her beautiful son grow up. While our dear Big Papa Chunk’s existence was short and riddled with tragedy, at least we can say that he was finally able to achieve in death what he never could in life…

 

THE. END.

4 Responses to Bacon and Eggs: A Love Story

  1. Kookaburra on October 21, 2012 at 18:07

    This is shockingly funny. I am very horrified that there are tears running down my face. Poor Henrietta deserves better than me for a friend.

  2. Sororia Rose on October 21, 2012 at 19:17

    I love this.

  3. Sequel on October 29, 2012 at 22:36

    WOW, I don’t know what I was expecting but it sure was a fantastic story! I love the snaps and setup- you’re a master at visually taking readers along for a ride!

  4. [...] with her amusing tower reviews.  FyodorD only contributed to one issue, but it was one of the most imaginative stories we’ve ever [...]

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